A while ago when I was minding my own business in my room, I noticed in the corner of my vision a massive spider scuttling up the wall. It was too big to comfortably grab with a tissue so I decided that the best way to get rid of it was with some deodorant and a lighter.
It worked, but I also got some scorch marks on my wall and lit a piece of paper on fire by accident. It wasn’t a smart choice, I’ll be the first to admit, but it could have been a lot worse.
Just a few minor changes to make to my story though; when I say a while ago, I mean embarrassingly recently. When I say “minding my own business”, I mean masturbating, and when I say “massive spider”, it was actually fairly normal sized but I’m a coward.
Anyway, like I say, it could have been a lot worse and for one man in California, it was.
Doing a rather terrible job of looking after his parents’ house in Fresno, California, he apparently saw a number of “dangerous spiders” and picked up his blowtorch to sort the matter out.
Firefighters said the man took a blowtorch to some black widows, which caused the incident.
Eventually, all of 29 firefighters were called upon to put out the fire and luckily, the man in question was able to escape unharmed.
As for the spiders, who knows? Presumably they’re dead. If spiders have learned to become impervious to fire then we’re all f*cked.
Shockingly though, this isn’t a one-off – at least not in America, anyway – as a man in Seattle caused $60,000 (£46,000) worth of damage when attacking spiders in his house with spray paint and a lighter.
A spokesperson for the Seattle Fire Department said:
“I don’t want to encourage people to do this, but that’s what he did. The spider tried to get into the wall. He sprayed flames on the wall, lit the wall on fire, and that extended up to the ceiling.
There are safer, more effective ways to kill a spider than using fire.“
Hey buddy, if people started being responsible with fire, you’d be out of the job.
Maybe we should start thanking people who burn down houses to kill spiders for keeping our boys in yellow going. Here’s to you, fellas!
Images via Getty, ABC