It’s 2018 and we should have everything we want. Should, being the operative word there since we bloody don’t.

I’m not even wasting my time getting annoyed about the lack of hoverboards and flying cars in the world, I’m talking about the smaller things that absolutely should exist but I’m too lazy to make myself.

I’m scared of failure 👍👍👍


Heating bowl

I pitched this at work the other day and then yesterday at the dinner table but how handy would it be to have a bowl that is also a microwave?

All you need to do is put your food in the bowl, press a button, and it heats up.

Now, I don’t know the science being this but it seems like carrying around radiation bowls would be a fab idea so maybe if you were to place a heating coil inside a hollow, insulated bowl that was powered by rechargeable batteries, maybe that could work?

You don’t have to queue up for the microwave at work.

Invisible socks that don’t make you look like a prick

I’ve gotten into not wearing socks with my trainers recently and while it looks good – I think – it’s not fab for sweating. I don’t know what it is but somehow wearing less layers on your feet makes them sweat more which results in bad smells.

Now the fix for this is to wear trainer socks or those “invisible” socks. Trainer socks are ruled out because you look like an American dad on holiday and they totally show, whilst “invisible” socks have a different problem.

On the face of it, they work. You can’t see that they’re there and they give your foot enough coverage. But then you take your shoe off and look like a bellend. No one knows why but you do.

What if I were wearing them and a lady invited me back to her digs. Things get frisky and the shoes come off. Instantly she’s turned off and I’m back out on the street.

We need an invisible sock that negates this.

Antiperspirant that works

Antiperspirant is a myth and everyone knows it. Nonetheless we all buy it and apply it and carry it to work with us and reapply it when we sit at our desk even though it’s only been an hour and a half since last time AND THE FUCKING BOTTLE SAYS 72 HOURS PROTECTION.

Now, I’m not saying that I want 72 hours protection, that would be excessive. I have at least one shower a day so even 24 hours worth of not sweating is unnecessary. However I would really like to be able to walk to the train station without looking like Lee Evans 20 minutes into one of his sets.

Which brings me onto my next invention…

Forehead Antiperspirant

Need it. Don’t try to deny it.

Closable beers

If you don’t finish your beer for whatever reason, it need to be said that yes, you are a quitter. With that in mind, however, sometimes life throws a curveball and you’re not able to finish the beer you started quick enough.

For instance, you crack open a beer and one of your mates cuts their lip open because they tried to open their with their mouth. Annoying, yes, and they’re in no state to drive. However you’re not drunk because you didn’t have time to sip on your beer. So you have to drive them to A&E and pop your beer in the fridge.

Sure, it stays cold, but it’s flatter than… a flat thing, and no-ones a fan of that.

We need closable beers that retain fizz. Get it done, science nerds.

P.S. I know it’s because of the danger of beer still brewing in the bottle that you can’t use screw caps but that’s not my issue.

Vine 2

Honestly I just miss Vine and as far as I’m aware, V2 is in the works (sort of). It’s taking ages though, and that’s not okay.

Maybe this needs to be taken out of the hands of Dom Hofmann and put into someone’s who’s very rich?