You won’t believe this. The other day I was at the pub with my mates and I noticed Charlie wasn’t there – you know Charlie..? Charlie-Charlie?! – which was odd, but I thought nothing of it at first. Eventually I started to worry since he said he was coming a few days earlier, but he wasn’t getting back to me on the night. I asked around and yeah, turns out he’s a witch. I really had no idea…

Things is though, it was staring me in the eye all along, but I was too naïve to notice. I’m kicking myself now but hey, it’s in the past. What can you do? I’ll tell you what you can do; you can learn from this cautionary tale and refer to this list of ways to know if one is a witch if you start to suspect one of your peers.

DEVIL’S MARKS AND WITCHES’ TEATS

Does your friend have any marks or blemishes that they’re particularly self-conscious about? Well if they do, it’s absolutely your duty to bring them to everyone’s attention. Needless to say, they’re a witch.

Moles, spots, birthmarks and extra nipples are all brands given when making a pact with the devil – sure, he could be more tactful, but let’s be happy that he isn’t. If you suspect anything, strip your friend naked and check for marks (scars and acne too. Better safe than sorry). If they’re clean, pass it off as a joke, if they’re not, kill on sight.

BIBLE WEIGHING

Next time you and your friend do some jumping, take notice of how long they’re airborne. Anything weird about how long they take to reach surface level? They’re most likely a filthy witch.

So here’s what you do; you fetch your giant scales and a plethora of bibles and get to weighing. Get the accused to sit on one end of the scale and stick a bunch of bibles on the other. If your “friend” is lighter than the bibles, they’re a witch. Honestly this one makes no sense to me but still, kill on sight.

PRAYER TEST

Sometimes your scales are still at the drycleaners and you just don’t have them to hand. No dramas, just get your witch-like friend to recite the lord’s prayer with no help.

If they make any kind of mistake, even if you know them to have a stutter or crippling anxiety, they are a witch. Kill on sight.

TALKING TO SELF

As you might suspect, with need to be constantly doing magic (the unfriendly sort) and with this in mind, it stands to reason that they have to say things.

Watch your friends vigilantly and if you hear them talk to themselves, you can safely assume that they’re reciting some sort of evil incantation. You may be thinking “what if they have a perfectly good explanation?” Doesn’t matter. They’re probably lying. Kill on sight.

CHECK THEIR PETS

Witches are never not in the presence of their imps. Naturally though, imps are a dead giveaway and thus they don’t wander about in their imp form – that would be stupid. This leads to them disguising themselves as animals. Clever.

But not clever enough. Does your friend have pets? If so, you’re going to have to look out for this kind of thing. If you notice your friend with a cat or something, they’re a witch. Even if it’s a beetle or a fruit fly, it’s too close to call. Absolutely too much of a coincidence. Kill on sight.

SPECTRAL EVIDENCE

This one’s handy because you don’t need any actual evidence of sorts. If you hear any rumours about your friends, regarding them doing sneaky, devilish things in the woods, you’re 100% expected to take it as gospel and assume them as a witch.

“Meddling with animals” is also a punishable offence (witch-related or otherwise, come to think of it). If you hear your friends joking and one of them says something to another like “haha yeah well you sh*g dogs”, this is not a joking matter and they’re a witch. Now, sometime in certain contexts, saying someone sh*gs dogs could be referring to them having sex with a lady who’s not conventionally attractive.

DO NOT TAKE THAT CHANCE. Kill on sight.

BEING ALIVE

They’re doing that f*cking thing that witches do… living!

You may have noticed that back in the day when witch-hunting was all the rage, people would be thrown into lakes or burned alive and if they didn’t perish, they were witches; which begs the question, what’s the point of checking in the first place since they’re obviously immortal.

So if you noticed any of the above points and followed my advice with killing them on sight, which resulted in them staying alive, well then, buddy, you got yourself a witch!

We lose.