Why am I not a superhero?

It’s so unfair because I’d do a fantastic job of it and definitely not do anything to further my own selfish (evil) agenda.

I could even moonlight as a semi-competent Hook writer by day and fight crime as a masked vigilant at night.

Nobody would have a clue.

Nevermind, because fortunately there are loads of actual superheros on the big screen that I can live vicariously through.

But have you ever wondered who is the best?

Probs not, but nevertheless I’ve conducted some mammoth research and meshed data from ever-trustworthy sites Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic to come up with a totally definitive and completely scientific method of scoring superhero films.

I simply added the films’ Metacritic score to their Rotten Tomatoes score and divided the number by two to find the average.

Why’s it never been done before? No idea, but let’s not waste any more time. Here we go!

10. Wonder Woman (2017)

Rotten Tomatoes score: 93%

Metacritic score: 76

Average = 84.5

What’s it about? Queen of the Amazons and all round badass Diana aka Wonder Woman leaves her home island to end the First World War and restore order to the galaxy. Wait that last bit isn’t right…

How good is the villain? Meh, pretty forgettable seen as he’s only in it for about five minutes yet turns out to be the mastermind behind everything.

Worth a watch? Oh, fo sho’. Gal Gadot is… wonderful and Chris Pine is Chris Pine. Perfect.

9. Logan (2017)

Rotten Tomatoes score: 93%

Metacritic score: 77

Average: 85

What’s it about? The Last Of Us, sorry, Logan, follows the eponymous adamantium-infused superhero navigate through a dystopian future where mutants are all but extinct, apart from a couple of bald guys and a mysterious girl.

How good is the villain? Donald Pierce played by Narcos’ Boyd Holbrook brings a roguish charisma to the role, but Logan’s main threat is a bigger, badder more screamier version of himself called X-24. It’s two Wolverines for the price of one!

Worth a watch? You bet your ass it is. *Spoiler alert* it’s Hugh Jackman’s last outing as ol’ knifehands so you better have the tissues at the ready. This is a superhero film that will hit you right in dem feels.

8. Iron Man (2008)

Rotten Tomatoes critics score: 94%

Metacritic score: 79

Average = 86.5

What’s it about? I think it’s about fictional character called Tony Stark but it could well be about Robert Downey Jr. because he’s literally just playing himself, minus, you know, a shiny suit that shoots blasts and stuff. (Rob may well have one of those in real life though, so don’t quote me on it.)

How good is the villain? Not great to be honest, but hey, it’s Jeff Bridges – THE DUDE!

Worth a watch? If you wanna find out where this tidal wave of MCU’ness came from then look no further because this is where it all began. I’m assuming you think that’s a good thing because you’re reading an article about superheroes, so you clearly love all this stuff. And good on you, because I do too. Did we just become best friends?

7. The Incredibles 2 (2018)

Rotten Tomatoes critics score: 94%

Metacritic score: 80%

Average = 87

What’s it about? Not sure, haven’t seen it!

How good is the villain? Ditto!

Worth a watch? Probably!

6. Superman II (1980)

Rotten Tomatoes critics score: 87%

Metacritic score: 87

Average = 87

What’s it about? Daily Planet reporting extraordinaire Clark Kent who also happens to double up as a SUPER man. This SUPER man (he’s got an ‘S’ on his chest in case you forget who he is) must stop Zod, a worthy enemy but clearly one who isn’t super in any way hence why he doesn’t have the word ‘super’ in his name.

How good is the villain? Not bad, well, he’s obviously bad – he’s a bad guy after all – but ‘not bad’ as in pretty good. Not super though, as we’ve already established. In summery – he’s alright.

Worth a watch? Of course! It wouldn’t be number six on this list if it wasn’t, would it?

5. The Dark Knight (2008)

Rotten Tomatoes critics score: 94%

Metacritic score: 82

Average = 88

What’s it about? A guy called Batman (real name Bruce Wayne) squaring off against old foe Joker (real name unknown) to protect Gotham City. Why does Gotham always need saving? You’d think they’d invest in some proper police instead on a rich bloke in a cape all the time.

How good is the villain? Is this even a serious question? On a scale of one to ten of movie villain awesomeness, Heath Ledger is a solid 8000. There’s also Harvey Dent as Two-Face but he was pathetic and doesn’t even deserve a mention. Even though I just technically did. Screw him!

Worth a watch? Only if you’re bothered about seeing THE DEFINITIVE BLUEPRINT of how a superhero film should be made. Duh.

4. Spider-Man 2 (2004)

Rotten Tomatoes critics score: 93%

Metacritic score: 83

Average = 88

What’s it about? Judging by the state of that thumbnail it’s about a man in a Halloween costume who’s got a bad case of the sh*ts and is letting rip in some sort of voyeuristic portaloo. If you’re sceptical, how does a plot centering around a half-man, half-eight legged freak battling a giant octopus sound? The first is way more plausible, right?

How good is the villain? Really good. Enough said.

Worth a watch? If you prefer your friendly neighbourhood Spidey all Tobey Maguire’d and your J. Jonah Jameson’s thoroughly J.K Simmons’d, then yeah, it’s probably a good idea to watch this film.

3. Superman (1978)

Rotten Tomatoes critics score: 93%

Metacritic score: 86

Average = 89.5

What’s it about? Superman, obviously. More specifically, infant alien Kal-El’s journey to Earth and subsequent transition into SUPERMAN, a superhero that might actually be too ‘super’ for his own good. He’s just too powerful, you know? Give the bad guys a bit of a chance.

How good is the villain? It’s Lex Luthor, the greatest criminal mastermind in Metropolis, and maybe even the world! Gene Hackman plays him in this here film and while he’s a worth adversary, he ain’t exactly the most menacing villain you’re ever gonna find.

Worth a watch? No doubt; Christopher Reeve IS Superman – always has been, always will be. Sorry, Henry Cavill, but that whole moustache-gate has tarnished your SM legacy forever.

2. Black Panther (2018)

Rotten Tomatoes score: 97%

Metacritic score: 88

Average = 92.5

What’s it about? King of Wakanda (which is basically just Silicon Valley) T’Challa having a break from all that Captain America: Civil War business to spend more time on matters closer to home.

How good is the villain? Oh he’s good alright. In fact, he’s drop dead gorgeous. Michael B. Jordan is the hunkarific antagonist to Black Panther (who sort of becomes Black Panther himself in the process) who’s hellbent on exposing the isolated Wakanda to the rest of the world in order to help those less fortunate. Like Thanos, Killmonger (his character) has a bloody good motive, he’s just a bit of a d*ck about it.

Worth a watch? Nah, all the box office records, hype, critical acclaim and awards were totally undeserving… OF COURSE IT BLOODY IS!

1. The Incredibles (2004)

Rotten Tomatoes score: 97%

Metacritic score: 90

Average = 93.5

What’s it about? The Incredibles, an incredible family of superheroes – although only one of them is actually called ‘incredible’ (Mr. Incredible) – which, if you ask me, is a really smug and unoriginal superhero name. Mr. Strong would have been better, but that may or may not have already been patented by that other family of superheroes, the Mr. Men.

How good is the villain? He’s good in the sense he’s powerful and can do a lot, but he’s also a complete and utter annoying tw*t who needs a slap round the chops. He also gives gingers a bad name when really he needs to be setting an example to any copper-headed kiddies watching.

Worth a watch? It’d be weird if number one on this list wasn’t actually worth watching. But yeah, The Incredibles is definitely one of the best animated films ever. Just not as good as Toy Story. Or Lion King. Or Aladdin, Shrek, Toy Story 2, Finding Nemo, Monsters, Inc and Toy Story 3. Good film though.

And in case you were wondering, here’s how some of the other big hitters fared:

Avengers: Infinity War: Rotten Tomatoes score: 84%, Metacritic score: 68, Average = 76

Captain America: Winter Soldier: Rotten Tomatoes score: 89%, Metacritic score: 70, Average = 79.5

The Dark Knight Rises: Rotten Tomatoes score: 87%, Meatcritic score: 78, Average = 82.5

X-Men: Days of Future Past: Rotten Tomatoes score: 91%, Metacritic score: 74, Average = 82.5

Spider-Man: Homecoming: Rotten Tomatoes score: 92%, Metacritic score: 73, Average = 82.5

The Lego Batman Movie: Rotten Tomatoes score: 91%, Metacritic score: 75, Average = 83

Captain America: Civil War: Rotten Tomatoes score: 91%, Metacritic score: 75, Average = 83

Thor: Ragnarok: Rotten Tomatoes score: 92%, Metacritic score: 74, Average = 83

Images via Marvel/YouTube/Pixar/Disney/YouTube/DC