It would be remiss of me to say that we’re currently in a golden age of cinema. Sure, a lot of the films that have been released in the last few years have been spectacular, but with the sheer volume of films that are released every year, often the positives do not outweigh the negatives.

It’s a shame because films like Blade Runner 2049 are overshadowed by the likes of Transformers: The Last KnightBaywatch and *ugh* Justice League. The world isn’t fair.

The right thing to do would be to celebrate beautiful cinema, but that’s not as fun as panning the antithesis of those. So that’s what I’ve done; compiled a list of the ten worst-rated films on IMDb. Thumbs up!

10. Son of the Mask

“Tim Avery, an aspiring cartoonist, finds himself in a predicament when his dog stumbles upon the mask of Loki. Then after conceiving an infant son “born of the mask”, he discovers just how looney child raising can be.”

As a concept, it sounds sort of passable. Man influenced by exterior forces births a child genetically mutated by said foreign object (almost exactly how Caesar came about in Rise of the Planet of the Apes); and jumping on the back of a successful film oftentimes pays dividends.

However, this film came out eleven years after its predecessor and had almost nothing in common with it, in regards to its production team, and somehow the CGI is no better – maybe even worse.

The CGI baby face is haunting.

9. Saving Christmas

“Kirk is enjoying the annual Christmas party extravaganza thrown by his sister until he realizes he needs to help out Christian, his brother-in-law, who has a bad case of the bah-humbugs. Kirk’s fresh look at Christmas provides Christian’s the chance to see Christ is where He has always been: at the center of our Christmas celebrations and traditions. Can Kirk save his in-laws opinions on Christmas or will he have to celebrate a holiday like this without him?”

Right off the bat this sounds like hugely on-the-nose Christian propaganda. I’ll watch the trailer to see if it’s just unfortunate wording…

Oh wow. I was going to say “Jesus” but that wouldn’t seem right. How unsubtle can you be, calling the second protagonist Christian?

The only surprise is that this film isn’t higher up on this list. It looks like it’s limited to two sets; inside that soulless building where people are dancing and inside Christian’s car, topped off with a stereotype comic-relief black character and a “fed up with people hijacking OUR day?!” vibe.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with being proud of your religion but this seems more like an insult to everyone else more than a celebration of one’s own culture.

8. Pledge This!

“At South Beach University, a beautiful sorority president takes in a group of unconventional freshman girls seeking acceptance into her house.”

I had to look around to check if this is the real trailer or some kind of spoof. It’s real, I think. This is what the film-studio decided was acceptable to promote their film. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised given that they also commissioned a 91-minute-long (93 if you’re watching the uncut version!) film starring Paris Hilton as some kind of… person?

I scrolled down the IMDb page for this film and it looks like there’s a character of Indian decent called Poo Poo. Obviously I’m holding no illusions about Lionsgate thinking they had just made a corker of a film when they wrapped on Pledge This! but fucking hell, you know?

7. Code Name: K.O.Z.

“A look at the 17-25 December 2013 corruption scandal in Turkey, from the viewpoint of the Erdogan government.”

I’m not very well-versed in Turkish politics so the plot of this film is more or less lost on me. Reviews on IMDb seem to believe that it’s utterly nonsensical propaganda against the Gül presidential party but there really are no bounds to my ignorance in this field.

Purely objectively, Code Name: K.O.Z. is shot, edited and acted exactly like a mid-class A-Level Film Studies student’s final project.

I genuinely think I did a better job in my friend’s uni film, having not seen the script or knowing that I was going to be in it three hours before we started shooting.

6. House of the Dead

This got a sequel that’s rated higher on the list.

“A group of college students travel to a mysterious island to attend a rave, which is soon taken over by bloodthirsty zombies.”

A dangerously generic film name teemed with a dangerously generic plot.

It’s called House of the Dead and yet it doesn’t appear to take place in or around a house, barring that one lab.

I’m of the opinion that every film or TV show featuring zombies is bad, lazy writing with generic hive-mind antagonists presenting no consequences to killing them, but this one really does look far more shocking than the rest.

I love how the production company behind this have the sheer audacity to call themselves ‘Artisan’.

5. Birdemic: Shock and Terror

“A horde of mutated birds descends upon the quiet town of Half Moon Bay, California. With the death toll rising, Two citizens manage to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic?”

I don’t know… probably.

Again, I didn’t believe this was real, but luckily the whole film is on YouTube so I scanned through that and yes, that trailer is real.

I feel bad about slating this film though because they absolutely knew they were making a sh*t-show. They were not going for a Hitchcock-style The Birds and they were not trying to change the cinematic world. It was clearly a “can we make a film?” “idk maybe” vibe and I commend them for that.*

*I later did some digging and it turns out that the mind behind this film comes from a man described as a total narcissist and genuine believer in his cinematic ability…

All of that said, it does look genuinely appalling. I once watched a film called Sand Sharks because the poster was reasonably impressive. The real thing exceeded my expectation phenomenally. The CGI was PlayStation 0.1 bad and there was a bit where the protagonist’s sister was eaten by a shark, to which he retorted something like “ugh. Sh*t… god damn. F**king sand sharks..!

4. The Hottie & the Nottie

Paris Hilton’s second foray in to this coveted list…

“A woman agrees to go on a date with a man only if he finds a suitor for her unattractive best friend.”

Sigh.

Other than the film being stupidly shallow, this film’s biggest fault seems to be the man’s best friend, going by the trailer. Terrible, terrible terrible.

Hilariously, this one doesn’t seem to be Paris Hilton’s fault, but almost everything else. SPOILERS: Rather predictably, the nottie becomes a hottie by the end, and the guy from Dodgeball professes his love to her, they kiss and the credits role.

Love does exist.

3. Manos: The Hands of Fate

“A family gets lost on the road and stumbles upon a hidden, underground, devil-worshipping cult led by the fearsome Master and his servant Torgo.”

This one does sound interesting, to be fair…

Christ that was a saga.

It seems like one of those films that you could trick a film student into thinking was brilliant and deep, if only because it was sh*t and dated even for 1966. Apparently, much like Manos, the film has a cult following and there was a lot of LSD on set.

I’ve not seen Manos: The Hands Of Fate, but it seems to me that Torgo there, the guy who looks like parallel universe DiCaprio, is hiding some horns and fawn legs under that hat and those trousers.

2. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

“A group of smart-talking toddlers find themselves at the center of a media mogul’s experiment to crack the code to baby talk. The toddlers must race against time for the sake of babies everywhere.”

Who is this film for? God knows I’d have hated it as a child.

I don’t know what happened in Baby Geniuses 1 to set off the events of its sequel, but it must have pretty bad.

The plot description from IMDb seems to have nothing to do with the plot of the trailer, but even so, why would you want to control babies? They’re literally a burden and you stand nothing to gain by having dominion over them.

Also, this looks awful.

1. Disaster Movie

“Over the course of one evening, an unsuspecting group of twenty-somethings find themselves bombarded by a series of natural disasters and catastrophic events.”

I think what’s going on here is that several pop-culture characters are killed in untoward ways. That’s literally it.

I’ve been a pallbearer to someone I loved very much and I think the Disaster Movie trailer is the least funny one minute and 23 seconds I’ve ever been subjected to.

Think of all the good you could do with the $20 million this film cost to make. You could feed the homeless, plant thousands of trees, build infrastructure and wells in undeveloped parts of the world, or if you’re feeling even more worthy, you can literally buy 10,537,408 litres of strong bleach from Amazon, and offer a cup to everyone who’s ever seen Disaster Movie, to ease the pain.

And that’s the list. They’re the ten worst films Planet Earth has to offer, apparently, but it’s missing The Revenant. If you need reminding that cinema can be good, watch this…

And then follow me on Twitter @AlfiePowell if you like…