I went to see Venom with Josh Rogers, my writer colleague and “friend” here and while he loved it – clapping and laughing like an idiot the whole way through (he particularly liked the bit where Eddie kissed Venom) – I couldn’t see it from his perspective.

The film was a directorial mess, and the writing was so awful that it made the wooden performances look passable. Essentially, very little of the film worked; I liked how Michelle Williams’ new boyfriend wasn’t a stereotypical prick.

Anyway, with that in mind, and considering how the film made an inexplicable amount of money, it was obvious that it would get a sequel, but hopefully with a whole new team behind it.

No way, man! Same team.

Tom Hardy, Michelle Williams and Woody Harrelson are all returning but the good news is that screenwriter Jeff Pinkner is not, and instead Kelly Marcel (who was called in last minute to make some changed to the original script) is. Well, I say good news, I can’t actually work out whose filmography is worse…

The film made a stupid $855.5m in the box office, with a large part of that thanks to China, who simply can’t get enough of CGI f*ckery like this and Transformers at the moment, throwing a whopping $271.7m away to sit in the cinema and watch Tom Hardy uncharacteristically mumble his way to a paycheck.

As of now, it’s unknown whether Ruben Fleischer will return in the director’s chair as he’s busy with Zombieland 2, but let’s hope not. The film’s fight scenes – which were the only part I expected to be good – we’re stunningly bad.

There was one scene where Venom came at odds with a bunch of SWAT team soldiers inside a building’s reception filled with smoke. It could have been a very cool scene where Venom quietly takes the soldiers down one-by-one, but instead we saw a gooey black blob jumping around like an idiot, flinging his limbs around like a child with a spider on their sleeve.

It played out like a video game where you don’t really know the controls, so you end up button-mashing, jumping away for ten seconds to regain your health and then going for it again.

What’s the opposite of a meritocracy? That’s what Hollywood is. Pathetic. There’s so many talented writers out there who can’t get a look in because god-awful “talents” are given the reigns to titles like Venom, Jumanji and Star Wars. No matter how bad they are, they’re going to make money because people are going for the title, not the character progression.

Film executives are cowards and they don’t respect their audience.

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Images via Sony, Google